my minute-ly dose

 "addiction is a monster"

no it's not.

i don't know that it was you

the addiction i had

not until i noticed how i started to grow my wrinkles on the side of my eyes

'cause i smile a lot

'cause of you, of course

you weren't a kind of someone i didn't count on my list

but not that i counted you a lot since i fought myself back then whenever i was about to

darn it, you were addicting since ever

if i could ever print your footsteps on your past path,

maybe i would

i don't know since when did my brain cells develop a lot of things

that built by every bit of your existence

no time wasted for having every dots of your shape in my imaginary

i have it all tho

i was never able to think that i will be in this world

this current world i'm living in

how the passions i get

since i found you

wait, since you found me?

or i can say, we found our path?

worry not, sweetest darling

don't you dare to worry

all the greed,

passion, that if i may to mention it one more time,

desire,

addiction,

that you might be craving for, (or do i)

i can serve you all of it

no, i'm not serving you

i am made of it

you're addicting.

you're my valium 

blessed

i am struggling to have my self under control

to not cry everytime i blinked my eyes

thank God, He send me all kind people

and especially you, my darling

you strengthen me

i was recharged

put my jacket on me

massaged my back tho it was quite silly but also very helpful

put your hand on my back 'cause it's calming me

tucked in me so i had a well rest

it recharges me a lot

to strengthen me

thank you & i love you

;

so, yesterday was a nightmare I've been avoid of

I lost my sweet lil boy, ilililil.

yesterday was a very heartbreaking even though i already took a distance since before

because I was too afraid of feeling losing anyone who i loved the most

and that was happened.

it was an open wound that i couldn't bear

i spent all hours long crying after i received the bad news

which i didn't even believe it at first, really

i cried in everywhere

at his house

at my house

in car

at morning I woke up with big swollen eyes

the eyes felt numb 'cause the pain in head and chest is way worse

i took a grieve, a lot grieves

regretting all the things i've done and i haven't done

then i realised,

he left me when i wasn't with him

'cause he knew that it would be much worse 

if i was right there

tho no matter if i was there or not,

it still left me heartbroken

i felt like a bit trauma when i saw any post in social media about cats

especially the himalayan 

but it's life

there are much regrets and acceptances i should take

so today, 

i've learnt to let you go, il

though i couldn't, actually

i've tried soo hard

but, God loves you more.

Happy up there, cilio.

Wait for me in next eternal life

Zing

We were rushing in a slow-mo time ticking at day.

It takes time

Consumes some more of us

But the zing

Collected all the sparks caused by the rhythm

And it's recharging us.

It's like a touch

No, touches

It made me for wanting more

Not a single gasp as it will waste a second

My blood runs fast in cell from the head to chest

You're the only one that I've ever desire.

4 for the 24th

 I was saying yes to you.

It was like my past dream came true.

I've been loving you so much but we never met our path at that time.

24mos and I feel like it's more than that.

I felt like I've known you for these years. 

We weren't belong to each other, but somehow I knew all the information related to you, without me being curious about it.

I think i knew you more than I ever thought.

Whole past years since we met. You were directly telling me about your life and what you dealt.

I am truly know that I know you.

I know you from the seen and unseen.

We are bound by destiny.

Roughly to say,

I had no regret to keep loving you for all these years and on..

Love you til death.

malam 12

aku terbangun karenamu dalam mimpi

kemudian kau datang dalam nyata

selanjutnya kita melaju

disibaknya jaket wool-mu oleh sang angin

yang berderu saat kita melawannya 

yang hembusannya membawa bicaraku

yang ributnya menyesap ributku ributmu

desir debur berpaut seraya kakimu menapak dipesisir

tenggelam dalam buih ombak yang menggulung 

riak dan teriakan yang memekakkan

dalam ria

kita tertawa

sungguh membahagiakan

membenammu dalam pasir

masih dalam gelak 

kemudian perjalanan menelan waktu hidup-hidup

dan disapu hujan yang turun dengan lembut 

saat rembulan pun tak muncul menggantikan surya

selanjutnya kita tiba 

selanjutnya aku tiba

kepalaku pun kuletakkan di bahumu

karna ini bukanlah sekadar sandaran

melainkan tempat bertambat

malam berlalu begitu nyenyak

begitu tentram

begitu indah

12 malam

jam di telepon genggam menunjukkan waktu masih di bawah pukul 23

aku merebah pada selimut tebal yang biasanya memberiku hangat berlebih

namun kali ini aku merasakan kehangatan sekaligus kesejukan

kepalaku berada dalam lingkaran lenganmu

seketika aku tidak ingin seutuhnya semua dalam kondisi baik-baik saja

aku ingin egois

menjebak diriku dalam atmosfer yang aku inginkan

begitu terus dan menerus

malam berganti malam

kemudian 12 malam
aku tidak ingin memberi jarak lagi
aku tidak ingin kebebasan hari esok

#DaithlyJournalDayIdk

Hari ke.... entahlah

Suffering because of something that triggers me on the road to house.

yes, house.

The building where I drop all my madness

trying to release all the burden

but somehow it becomes it.

I used to be free,

since I was a child, as young as I can remember.

My grades? Don't care.

Just make sure I'm on the upper list,

if was on the 2nd or 3rd place,

why can't you be the 1st??

if was on the 1st place,

nice then, that's all.

No complains, no worries,

no compliment

No question how to done the task

No heartbreak had been heard,

Just, nothing?

Or am I really facing dementia early

so I couldn't remember anything?

More than 15 years of life I'm sober, 

more than 15 years that I can remember,

I lived my life just like yeah mountains there, go through them

Fire anywhere, pass them

Some flowers? okay that's fine

I did a little run in freedom yet lost

Now,

in this fucking age,

you want to control me as a child?

you want to treat me as a child who doesn't know anything?

who can't understand what's good and bad,

i knew it's good and you can't enjoy it with me

i knew it's bad and you can't save me.

where were you when I was a child

where were you when I need this kind of attention

Only you did once I poured my tears 

when I spent tiring night at other place,

where others' were worrying about them,

while me?

can you get me these groceries once you get home?

I don't need it this kind of attention now.

It's waaaaay to late.

And it's suck.

I love you but it's still suck for me.

I'm already lost and now you think about how to prevent me from being lost.

I already did.

Kita tidak dapat mengontrol pikiran siapapun

Hanya dirinyalah yg punya kendali atas pikirannya

#DaithlyJournal: Day 1

today is the end of the roller coaster

i wish it ends on today.

what an exhausting week been passed

Apr 16, 

my heart was still doing his job,

but a bit faster

and rough than ever

it almost moved to my back

at least it was only the pain that shared

Today i was a morning person

not an early morning, only morning til the lunch time

I was totally crazy in the morning

though I didn't consume anything

Crazy ruthless

Barking crazy

Lunchtime,

I was becoming the not early morning person

Crazy hurting

My brain just flipped to i don't know where and which way he could

it stayed until night

Night,

I became two

Myself is taking over me

me didn't know what happened

myself was just being myself

take a sip, please

untaian kehangatan memadu dalam nafasku

ia menjalar

menelusuri jejak kunci hidupku

tunggu

sebetulnya apa ini

sepatutnya aku tersedak akan untaian ini

mungkin 

sepatutnya

karna aku adalah selalu benang kusut

kau tidak akan menyesalinya

 

seperti sudah siap karena telah terlatih sebelumnya

padahal aku hanya sempat mampir sebentar

hanya untuk melintas

aneh, gumamku.

senantiasa aku memandangimu

lebih dari 60 kali dalam satu menit

aku bisa merasakan membaranya rindu

dan cinta yang terjatuh dan jatuh lagi

aku tersadar dan tidak tersadar

tenanglah,

aku ada di sini

ujarmu seraya menawarkan rentangan yang 

tak mungkin aku menolaknya

"seingatku ia tak diharapkan,"

kala itu malam tidak mendukung aku selayaknya aku seperti biasa

bukan aku yang periang

pemurung ini datang lagi

aku mengira ia telah pergi sedari sekian lama 

tapi rupanya ada sosok lain yang merindukannya

menginginkannya untuk hadir

tak tahukah ia betapa menjengkelkannya sang pemurung ini

yang bahkan tidak pernah diharapkan sebelumnya

tapi ia seolah diundang

umtuk mematri apa-apa saja yang diharapkan dibumihanguskan olehnya

konyol

tindakan yang mengundang celaka

tapi seperti memang bara yang dicari

pemurung sial

ia bahkan penat atas yang ia tampung

pikirannya liar

ia berlarian dalam akalnya yang tak lagi diam

kakinya ia hujami dengan puluhan kerikil legam

setelahnya

dua genggam pasir ia kepalkan 

entah apa yang ia harapkan 

apakah batuan pasir

atau melunakkannya

mulutnya masih berucap seolah meneriakkan sesuatu

yang memekakkan telinga

tapi

memangnya ada yang bisa mendengarkan teriakkan

bukankah pemurung hanya bisa menguras air matanya?

tanpa suara?

tanpa teriakan?

tanpa ada sesuatu yang perlu didengar?

tanpa apapun yang dapat ia rasa?

bukankah ia hanya hidup dalam keheningan

yang orang lain tak perlu pun tak bisa paham?